


5+1 of the most memorable hugs of Spock’s life (in chronological order)

by kotekru



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Cuddling & Snuggling, Developing Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Getting Together, Hugs, Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:40:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25218655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kotekru/pseuds/kotekru
Summary: What it says on the tin. It’s just Spock having emotions and being held :,)
Relationships: Amanda Grayson & Spock, James T. Kirk & Spock, James T. Kirk/Spock, Leonard "Bones" McCoy & Spock, Spock & Nyota Uhura, Spock/Nyota Uhura
Comments: 14
Kudos: 128





	5+1 of the most memorable hugs of Spock’s life (in chronological order)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi :-)  
> I wanted to write some tender loving for Spock, just being held and loved, but apparently I’m unable to write things that don’t hurt. I hope you don’t mind.  
> The story takes us through most of Spock’s life from childhood to after the events of ST:Beyond.  
> For content warnings see end notes  
> Love <3

1.

Spock was maybe three years old, and he barely remembered it, mostly only recalled because his mother and father had fought about it many times since, that Amanda held him for the last time for a long while. He was upset for something small that seems overwhelming and catastrophic to a child; he didn’t remember the reason anymore. Spock sought out Amanda who was in the living area speaking with another woman. When Amanda saw her son in distress, she immediately went to him. She held his small shaking frame as she gently asked about what happened and soothed him afterwards.

That’s how Sarek found them not long after. With cold Vulcan indifference, he asked Amanda to cease holding Spock. At the time Spock didn’t understand why; did he do something wrong? He was sent to his room with his renewed emotional turmoil until the guest left. His father then found him in his room and told him that he was becoming a grown Vulcan and thus he needed to learn to regulate his own emotions and his emotional displays. Sarek told him in no uncertain terms that as his son, Spock was to be raised as a full-blooded Vulcan and therefore not allowed to show emotion.

Spock was young and wanted nothing more than to please his father, so he agreed that it was best for him to stop being childish.

What Sarek didn’t know was that while Spock looked more Vulcan than Human, inside he was just as much of his mother’s son. His need for emotional expression and physical affection was just as base a need as for any human. It hurt to have to fight his nature, to have to be perfectly Vulcan even as a son of two worlds. As a child, he did not understand, but his father could do no wrong is his eyes, so each time Amanda tried to hold him, touch him, show any kind of gentle or tender affection towards him he rebuffed her. Spock fought his own needs and instincts each time to live up to the expectations of his father.

Growing up as a Vulcan for Spock was hard. As a child, he was excluded, ridiculed, bullied. In the beginning he didn’t understand, he couldn’t fathom why who his mother was mattered. Most other kids had mothers too, some had two. Why were him and his mother different? It was years later that the picture came together.

He was in the study pods; Spock was minding his own business when some older children came up to him. The bullying itself was not new, he has been enduring it for years, and with dejected resignation, he stood to batter another slew of insults. This time however they chose to insult his mother.

Spock has by then realized that his mother was indeed different, he saw her red blood and he saw her free emotions and her unending unconditional love and joy and knew her to be unique. He didn’t understand why she was different, what it meant that she was human and that he was half-human. Spock knew they shared something special, something deep and enduring that all the pure Vulcans didn’t have. Something even his father lacked. Spock cherished the thought of this special bond he shared with no other.

Looking back, it saddened Spock that after a while he started to resent the fact that he shared such a thing with his mother. He resented every human part of himself, he hated how emotional he was, how hard it was to learn meditation, how much more work it was for him to study like the other Vulcan children, how difficult it made being Vulcan at all.

At that moment, as his bullies turned to insult his mother, he realized how wrong he was for resenting it, resenting her. The sadness he saw in his mother’s eyes every time he rejected her affections were overwhelming him with guilt and shame and it was more that anger he felt for himself that made him attack his bullies than what they were saying.

Afterwards, he was sitting outside the director’s office waiting for his father to pick him up. He didn’t regret the fight, but he did regret the emotional outburst. He resented the fact that his weakest point was revealed so completely. He hated that he will have to face these people day after day for years, still.

As he saw Sarek approach he was filled with shame. Spock knew that his actions would no doubt make his father disappointed. He remembered when Sybock announced he was joining the v’tosh ka’tur, the cold anger his father was radiating for weeks. He imagined Spock’s emotional outburst would have a similar effect, maybe less severe but just as disappointed.

He wanted to reason with him, maybe he wouldn’t be as disappointed if he knew why he attacked. “They called you a traitor.” He tried.

“Emotions run deep within our race. In many ways, more deeply than in Humans. Logic offers a serenity Humans seldom experience. The control of feelings, so that they do not control you.” It was the same speech he has heard every time he had an emotional outburst. It may seem like a kindness, it may seem like Sarek was telling him that his emotions are understandable, every Vulcan has them. But each time it just made Spock feel worse. If he was a real Vulcan, he could control himself, if he was a proper Vulcan son, the one his father wanted, he wouldn’t have to have this conversation over and over.

“You suggest that I should be completely Vulcan, and yet you married a Human.” It was the first time Spock dared to bring up the topic. His father clearly had some issue with the emotionality of humans, and yet he married Amanda, he adopted Michael, he fathered Spock.

“As ambassador to Earth, it is my duty to observe and understand Human behavior. Marrying your mother was logical.” He said. “Spock, you are fully capable of deciding your own destiny. The question you face is: which path will you choose? This is something only you can decide.”

Even though Sarek said it was his choice, that has never been true. Spock had to become the Vulcan his father wanted him to be, it was very clear that there was no other path for him. He resolved to do better, to become the son his father wants. He decided to dedicate himself completely to Vulcan teachings and become better than any of his peers, so Sarek may one day be proud of him.

That resolve lasted all half an hour until he walked into the living room to find his mother sitting near the window with a cup of tea and sad eyes watching the horizon.

Spock wanted to be the perfect Vulcan son, he wanted to please his father, but seeing his mother so heartbroken was so much worse than the scorn his father may give him. He never again wanted to be ashamed to be his mother’s son, he never wanted to see her sad.

He went to her willingly and asked to be held for the first time in years. To say Amanda was shocked would be an understatement, but her shock was quickly replaced by joy that filled the room (and secretly Spock too) with love. She hugged him close and held him for a long time, her fingers smoothing through his hair endlessly. Spock let her, he savored the touches he has denied himself for years, reveled in their combined warmth and enjoyed his mother’s sweet scent. That moment became one of Spock’s most dear memories.

Physical affection didn’t suddenly reappear in their relationship after that, Amanda still never asked to hold him, but she didn’t stop herself from running a hand along his shoulder or playing with his overgrown hair before cutting it. She kissed the top of his head when he achieved something at school and held onto Spock’s arm when he was failing to reign in his emotions.

The unconditional love his mother showed him never failed to amaze Spock. Sometimes he felt undeserving, all the times he pushed her away, all the times he denied her affection, all the times he made her feel less than because of her humanity… It took Spock years to forgive himself for his childish actions and the ways it hurt his mother.

2.

Years later Spock was getting ready for his entrance interview with the board of the Vulcan Science Academy. He wasn’t really nervous, by then he has already outperformed and surpassed almost all of his peers in most scientific disciplines, this interview was more a formality than anything and he was excited to be starting this new chapter of his life.

As Amanda was fiddling with his clothes, he started to question his choices. Maybe it wasn’t enough to be better in scientific endeavors than other Vulcans, maybe he needed to also become a paragon of emotionless logic. Spock has considered the possibility of Kolinahr before, but it always seemed excessive. It wasn’t required of other Vulcans, why would he need it. But as he stood outside the doors to the room where his future would be decided he thought maybe he hasn’t done everything he could to become Vulcan beyond reproach.

“Should I choose to complete the Vulcan discipline of Kolinahr, and purge all emotion? I trust you will not feel it reflects judgment upon you.” He asked her finally.

“Oh, Spock. As always, whatever you choose to be, you will have a proud mother.” She told him with a warm smile. It settled Spock, to know that at least his mother would always support him, unconditionally, unwaveringly. He would never be alone as long as she lived.

With the reassurance that Amanda would still love him no matter what, he entered the chamber with unrelenting confidence.

Spock expected the questions about his application to Star Fleet, he expected that the ministers would go harder on him than the rest of the candidates, he expected his father to sit by dispassionately observing. What he did not expect was that any of them would dare openly insult his heritage, while his father was sitting right there. The moment the offhand comment about his parentage left the man’s mouth Spock realized he never would be enough, no matter what he did, no matter who he was. He would always be just the half-breed with the human mother.

It wasn’t even a decision when he said, “Council, Ministers, I must decline.” He watched his father’s face as he realized what the words meant. The clear disappointment and shame that radiated from his gaze. But Spock didn’t care. He no longer wanted to live up to his father’s expectations. A man who could stand by without a flinch as his wife and son were insulted publicly was not someone Spock needed to look up to. Sarek was a coward and a traitor of his own family.

The conversation after was a blur for Spock. He remembers that the minister tried to drive his jab about his humanity even deeper, but Spock would not let him. As he threw the Vulcan greeting of live long and prosper in their faces, he knew he would be leaving this interview a new man.

When he left the room, he found his mother in the gardens outside, the warm spring air settling his last bit of frustration over his father’s behavior. Amanda was standing near a tall tree, looking at the sky from the shade, enjoying the sun. She seemed happy, serene.

Spock walked up to her and without hesitation, or a care for who may be around, he wrapped her in a tight embrace. She tensed up for only a second before hugging him closer. Spock’s senses were filled with the presence of his mother, her cool hands around his shoulder, the sweet scent of her hair. It felt like home, and not for the first time Spock regretted not having done this more.

As they parted Spock could see the watery smile on her face. “You are leaving, aren’t you?” she asked, already knowing the answer.

Spock packed up his belongings and booked his flight to earth even before Sarek came home from the Academy. The last few days he spent on Vulcan he was followed around by his father’s scorn and his mother’s love. Spock was never so sure before that he was doing the right thing.

3.

After Spock left Vulcan his relationship with his father all but disintegrated. They never spoke anymore and when they did it was with great reluctance from both sides. Spock and Amanda, however, had never been closer. They called each other at least once a week. Those were Spock’s happiest moments. When they came to visit him for his graduation ceremony Spock spent every possible moment with his mother. The relationship they now enjoyed was everything Spock could have wished for. Even Sarek’s sour expression couldn’t dampen his good mood.

When Spock finished his training at the academy he applied to stay on as an instructor. His mother was very proud, if a little sad, that he would be so far away from home, but she supported him, and their relationship remained a stable and unmovable point in Spock’s life.

His years at the academy were exciting, for the first time Spock was not an outsider, his classmates were diverse and excellent in their own ways. The friendly and open environment was good for Spock. He even had some close acquaintances (looking back he would say they were his friends but at the time that concept was still alien to him). Even when he finished school and became an instructor his social life remained lively. He took over the Xenoliguistics club as a hobby, he joined the Young Astronomers’ Association, and had weekly dinners with the other young professors. Some of his high-level students have also taken a liking to him, and although he kept his association with them professional, he often found their company the most pleasant.

One of his students in the advanced Linguistics track has clearly taken a liking to him. For a long time, Spock tried to convince himself that Nyota only wanted his friendship, he was friendly and open with her, which in retrospect may have been somewhat inappropriate.

Spock was perhaps selfish. He enjoyed her company, her confidence and passion for life was something he both envied and respected in her. Spock knew it was inappropriate, he knew that he should put an end to the whole thing, but it was easy to pretend that it was only friendship. He convinced himself that he could easily feign ignorance if it ever became an issue. He was Vulcan, he simply did not understand… and he knew it would work too. He felt a little guilty but the joy he felt when they spent time together outweighed it all.

When in the middle of a crisis he let her steamroll him into changing her assignment from the Farragut to the Enterprise he realized he was in too deep, but he didn’t mind.

After that he has no time to think. They are on a rescue mission to Vulcan, the planet is in distress, and he can’t help but fear the worst. When the Cadet whose demerit hearing they were interrupted from comes to the bridge Spock becomes angry. Time is of the essence and yet here they are, the Captain entertaining the ideas of someone like Kirk, while on his planet people are in danger and possibly dying.

When Nyota backs up the cadet’s claims he wavers. She would never be reckless like this unless she knew it was necessary.

The Enterprise enters Vulcan space, ill-prepared for battle but the few seconds they left after the fleet and the interruption of the cadet allows them a fighting chance non the less. The destroyed remains of their fleet and the immensely monumental size of the enemy ship fill Spock with dread. He desperately hopes they are not too late.

With Pike gone Spock finds himself captain, a position he never wished to hold, with Cadet Kirk as his first officer. He knows the whole situation is a mess, the fleet is in pieces around their ship, the Enterprise is filled with cadets and freshly minted officers who’ve never seen battle outside of a simulation. They are outgunned, without a captain, a suicide plan to save the planet and Spock can’t stop thinking about his mother.

He beams down and gets the elders out of the Catric arc as the planet falls to pieces around them. He rematerializes on the ship with his hand outstretched, phantom feelings of still holding his mother running along to his brain, the sands of Vulcan clinging to his skin. For an infinite moment he doesn’t understand what it means that Amanda is not standing there. A moment that reaches to the ends of time where he still has a mother, a home. But then reality floods in and he trembles as the knowledge that his mother is gone settles in his soul. He feels broken. Cracked open.

It takes all of his years of practice in emotional restraint to not crumble. There is still a planet to save, people to evacuate, Star Fleet to alert, a captain to rescue. He straightens and with cold determination gets to work.

The hours after that go by both too slowly, the moments crawl prolonging the torture, and entirely too fast. Everything is a blur of barely-contained panic, grasping for last straws, hanging onto dregs of hope to persevere.

Among the haste and hurt Nyota finds Spock. Amidst the chaos her tender words are almost enough to break him. Her soft understanding, her empathy, the care and attention she carves out for them in the middle of tragedy he will never stop being grateful for. Her careful hands and soft kisses get him through most of the hours that follow.

When Kirk somehow reappears and instigates a fight, Spock is grateful that Nyota took the time to help him settle down, if she hadn’t, he might have killed Kirk. At the last second before the cadet passes out under his hands, he hears Nyota call out to him, but ultimately what stops him is the look in Kirk’s eyes and the impressions of the man’s consciousness that keeps seeping into his mind. His shields are shredded but he should not be able to pick up on anything from Kirk. The loss of control he slowly realizes in himself is what makes him let go in the end.

The rest of that day is a struggle, they save Earth, they defeat Nero, he grudgingly begins to respect Kirk, but more than anything he remembers how grateful he felt to have Nyota.

Many times over their relationship Spock thought about if it was worth it to continue. He didn’t want to lead her on, and truthfully, he wasn’t really, he did fall in love with Nyota along the way, but the fear of losing everything else made him hesitant to keep going. Now as he lay on the uncomfortable lumpy couch outside the med bay with Nyota’s hands softly and secretly drawing small circles in his shoulders he knows that whatever comes next it will have been worth it.

He still might be dismissed from the academy, they might strip him of his ranks, he may never get a job again in this sector, and he wouldn’t care if Nyota would be there with him, smoothing her love and empathy into his skin. If she wasn’t there he never would have gotten through that day, if Nyota didn’t hold him together Spock might be a murderer now.

It takes months for the dust to settle and by the time a year later the Enterprise is leaving earth behind, with Kirk as her captain and Spock by his side, Spock has settled into a beautiful and rewarding relationship with the most amazing woman he could imagine.

4.

It took Spock months to get used to his life as the first officer. His relationship with Nyota was strong. He enjoyed the closeness they shared. He had a similarly rewarding relationship with the captain as well. Perhaps not as close, but neither with Nyota nor with the captain did Spock ever feel like he needed to be anyone but himself. They both accepted him completely and easily. Spock has not felt this since he left his mother’s home on Vulcan all those years ago.

Sometimes the easy acceptance Nyota and Jim offered him reminded Spock so much of his mother’s love that he couldn’t help the emotions that overwhelmed him. He made sure that neither of them ever had to doubt how he feels about them. Spock regretted so deeply how he treated his mother that he swore to himself that not another person in his life would ever feel like Spock didn’t appreciate or love them. Especially people who have shown him such kindness.

It was especially hard for him then when Jim died. The whole ordeal with Khan was unsettling and devastating in so many ways. But the one moment he will never be able to forget is Scott’s voice on the comms, “Sir, you'd better get down here. Better hurry.”.

Spock knew right away that Jim was hurt. His heartbeat in his side faster and faster, fear choking him as he ran towards engineering. The moment he realized which part of the ship they were in, he knew. Spock knew that his worst fears were about to come true.

For a selfish second he considered leaving. Spock knew that seeing Jim like this, possibly watching him die would kill him too. But he knew that even if he left it would still be just as horrible. At least he could be here to comfort Jim.

“Open it!” he ordered Scott desperately, even while he knew he couldn’t. He didn’t even hear his answer, his focus was drawn to Jim, lying on the floor of the radiation chamber. He watched as he closed the door of the compartment with his last bit of strength.

Spock crouched near the window behind which Jim lay, dying. His legs could no longer hold him. Spock hates that he barely remembers what they talked about in those moments. He knew Jim was trying to comfort him just as much as Spock was trying to comfort Jim. Spock remembers their hands pressed together through the glass. But the whole memory is shaded over with his grief and rage.

As Jim slid down, finally limp, Spock felt himself break apart. He didn’t care about being Vulcan, or Human, or an officer of Star Fleet. He felt raw, his insides shredded, soul tattered. The moment Jim closed his eyes for the last time Spock fell to pieces. For moments he just knelt there, not feeling, not thinking, entirely overwhelmed and overtaken by emotion. It was a hurricane, a tsunami, the whole universe falling apart around him until it was just him and his broken soul. The broken scream he let out didn’t even register.

The emptiness faded slowly into a pain Spock has never thought to feel ever again. Slowly as he could feel his hands again, as his lungs filled with air once more and he could no longer look at Jim without dying himself he slowly got up.

The trip to the bridge was the longest few minutes of his life, as he slowly walked he felt his anger build into a rage once again, it filled his body to the fullest by the time he finally arrived. On some distant level, he knew Nyota was there with him for most of it, but he was being burnt alive by his emotions and it took all of his effort to gather himself enough to be able to command.

Spock doesn’t remember chasing Harrison, he doesn’t remember fighting him, trying to kill him. He has no memory of hitting him over and over, beyond the capacity of his own body, breaking his fingers on his face. The only thing he remembers is Nyota telling him that they can save Jim. He only returned to his body in that moment, the only clear memory of that time, and it’s only a flash.

Everything after that is a haze again. He knows that someone treated his broken bones, he remembers the bone-deep exhaustion of his body after he pushed it beyond his physical limits trying to kill Harrison. Spock probably spent hours in sickbay before he was allowed to go. He didn’t rest even after that, he sat outside medical waiting for any news of Jim. As he sat there, he slowly started to come back to himself. By the time McCoy appeared in the door Spock has mostly gathered himself, but Leonard must have seen just how far from okay he still was. He took him by the arm and led him to his office.

“He will pull through.” McCoy said after long.

Spock would be embarrassed by the choked sob he let out or the fact that the only reason he didn’t collapse to the ground was that McCoy saw him crumble and rushed to hold him. Spock and Leonard may not have been the closest, but Spock respected him and thought of him as a friend, yet he never would have thought that Leonard would show him such compassion.

They stood there shaking and holding each other for a long time, Leonard sobbing his relief into Spock’s shoulder as Spock trembled in his hold. The grief and sense of loss took long to dissipate. They pulled apart slowly as the shaking abated and they could breathe again.

Afterwards, they sat for a long time at opposite sides of Leonard’s desk, not really talking, just sitting quietly. In the understanding support of each other’s presence they finally managed to gather themselves. By the time hours later Spock left his office Leonard finally looked settled and calm.

For Spock, it took days of intense meditation and long conversations with Ambassador Spock to manage to fully rebuild his shields and composure. He was tired and unsteady and bereft. The emotional roller-coaster of the day left him shaken and broken apart, putting the pieces back together was even more exhausting, but he did the grueling work. The only time he was at his apartment was when Leonard kicked him out of Jim’s room, he spent those short hours meditating and resting. It felt like an eternity, this limbo between his broken pieces floating apart and coming together, the uncertainty of Jim’s condition, the days blurred together and it was endless.

Two weeks later Jim woke up from his coma, Spock was there, as he had been every day. He was grateful for Leonard and for his kindness of not mentioning it. With Jim finally awake and on the road to a full recovery Spock finally allowed himself to heal completely and let the comforting ordinariness lead him back to routine.

5.

The whole mission was a mess and if the situation was different Spock would be snapping at Jim ’I told you so!’ without actually saying the words. Furious and scared he put the thought out of his mind as he carried the heavy weight of the unconscious body towards safety, deeper into the forest. Spock was exhausted, muscles shaking from overexertion, he has been soldering through the thick undergrowth for hours, steadily losing blood from a wound in his side. Terrified ensign in tow.

It took them only a couple more tense minutes to drag themselves to the clearing where the canopy opened up and they could finally call the Enterprise. Spock flipped open his communicator, only sheer bullheaded determination stopping his overtaxed muscles from dropping the body he’s been carrying as they stopped. In a moment Nyota’s steady voice was coming through, tinny and weak, but a shining light in their hopelessness, still. Within moments they were standing in the transporter room, the Ensign finally collapsing in relief as Spock carried his charge to the biobed next to the transporter pad.

As he laid the unconscious body of the Captain down on the sheets something in Spock finally snapped, released. He let go of Jim, quietly watched the medical team move him down the corridor, Spock quietly following them to sickbay. He sat in silence as M’Benga patched up his side, the sting of flesh knitting together not even registering as he watched McCoy frantically working on Jim in the back.

He left medical with a promise that Jim will be okay, he mostly just needed rest and ‘to get it through his fool head that projectiles are dangerous’ as McCoy put it.

Once back in his room Spock fell asleep immediately and didn’t wake for a long time, exhaustion and recovery from his injury making sure that he remained in slumber for most of the next day. When he woke up sometime in the afternoon, he took a shower and freshly dressed went by sickbay. Jim was already awake, playfully talking with Nurse Chapel as she tended to him. The sight soothed Spock’s last anxieties and finally his chest filled with warmth again.

When Jim saw Spock hovering in the doorway his face lit up and immediately ushered him in. They talked a while, quietly so Leonard wouldn’t have a reason to kick Spock out.

‘I told you so!’ and ‘How could you be so foolish!?’ and a thousand other ways to berate Jim for his stupid self-sacrificing plan were at the tip of Spock’s tongue, but he managed to choke them all down in favor of enjoying their time together. He knew there was no point in telling Jim off either, there was nothing he could tell him that Jim hadn’t already considered himself.

The closest they got to acknowledging any of Spock’s concerns was when Jim asked, “How are you doing?”.

“You almost died.” Spock said, unable to look at Jim anymore. He wouldn’t say anything else about it either, they both knew what he meant.

Jim whispered an apology. They went back to safer topics again until McCoy came to check on Jim and Spock was asked to leave.

There was only one place for Spock to go and soon he found himself standing at Nyota’s door. He wasn’t ready to go in and for what happened when he did. He briefly considered leaving, turning away from the conversation they needed to have, as he has done countless times before, but the decision was taken from his hands and the door slid open. “Come in, Spock.” Nyota told him.

With a finality the door closed behind Spock, there was no more running, no place to hide. Tensing his shoulders, he sat next to her. “Nyota…” He didn’t know where to start.

She met his eyes and simply said, “I know, Spock.” Relief flooded him, bitter and nauseating, but relief non the less. Spock felt like he should refute it, go on the defense, protest, he wanted to take it back, but there was no use. They both knew they have probably both known for a very long time that it would end like this. Their relationship has long run its course, Spock was glad that Nyota was kind enough to do this for both of them.

Spock didn’t even realize he was trembling until Nyota was there, holding him tight. He breathed in her scent, let it wash along his senses as he clung to her and buried his face in her neck. Without realizing he started babbling, “Thank you! Thank you!” he kept whispering as she smoothed her hand along his back in circles.

“It’s okay.” She answered, soothing, understanding. They stayed like that for a long time, holding each other, not yet ready to let go. When they finally drifted apart there was no sadness left, just a sense of rightness. Spock wiped the tears off Nyota’s cheeks as she smiled up at him. They made tea together and sat on the couch quietly talking for hours. By the time Spock was leaving he could finally believe again that everything would be okay.

+1.

Jim was sitting in his bed leaning against the headboard, sipping on a rainbow-colored cocktail that he only drank when he was in a good mood. Spock sat at his feet on the scratchy hotel room comforter, legs folded under him, distractedly drawing little patterns in the sheets next to him while watching Jim. They have just come from Jim’s birthday party, sure they were on Yorktown instead of the Enterprise which for obvious reasons should have dampened the mood, but they were merrily talking without care anyways.

The last few days have been stressful, distressing, sad, tragic, and so many more things, but it didn’t matter. Happiness and relief of coming out of it alive had everyone feeling more alive than before. The cost of this happiness was steep, but that didn’t matter either. Joy was buzzing under their skin, life thrumming through their veins and they refused to be anything but content.

Spock had enjoyed Jim’s birthday party, he spent most of it with Nyota and Leonard, only really getting a short moment alone with Jim. They celebrated not only Jim but life as well, they drank to the promise of the future.

Now, alone in Jim’s room, comfortably settled in his bed, watching Jim animated and happy Spock couldn’t find a single sad thought if he tried. He watched as Jim’s hands moved, as his face changed to fit the anecdote he was telling, listened to his speech get faster and less articulate, his midwestern accent becoming more pronounced when he became excited.

Maybe this electricity, this spark of being alive, residual adrenalin, or simply being happy and excited for life to give more to them is what gives Spock the last push he needs. He knows he is almost smiling; it has always been hard to not smile at Jim. He always hoped that Jim knew even when his lips didn’t curl up, that he could see it in his Human eyes just how happy Spock was to be around him.

Spock expected that when this moment came it would be grand somehow, monumental, monstrous even. He imagined an intense emotional climax, life or death, so much emotion he could barely hold himself together. Swelling music and great lighting. In the end, it is anything, but. Jim is in the middle of a story, hands waving as he explains with laughter in his voice and Spock interrupts him in the middle of a sentence with, “Jim, I love you.”. He isn’t shy or unsure, Spock is stating an obvious fact, a universal truth, and it is not grand, it is not intense. It just is.

Jim looks up, momentarily surprised, eyes a little wide, then his beautiful face splits into a blinding smile. “I know,” he says. “I love you too.” He adds and pulls Spock to him by the hand.

They settle in next to each other, Jim leaning against the headboard and Spock leaning against Jim. His arm behind Spock is warm and comforting, the fingers of the same hand running through the short hairs at the back of his head feel like home. Like they have always been there. Spock allows himself an indulgent and content sigh as he finally settles against Jim, head resting on his chest. He takes Jim’s other hand in his and leaves small kisses with his fingers on it as Jim picks up his story where he left off.

They stay like that for a long time, happily trading stories back and forth, sometimes planting a kiss wherever they can reach. It feels like it has always been like this, it feels like this was always going happen, entirely inevitable like nothing is changed, but still, the newness is exhilarating. Spock revels in the touches they share, in how freely and naturally it all comes. He luxuriates in the feel of warmth that spreads through him and Jim’s laugh he can feel resonating through him.

Spock doesn’t remember falling asleep, but in the morning when he wakes with Jim still wrapped around him, the sounds of his quiet breaths, the arm he has around Spock, he decides he doesn’t mind not remembering as long as he gets to wake up like this every time. With a content noise, he burrows back in their combined warmth and goes back to sleep, his smile blinding.

**Author's Note:**

> Canon typical violence, temporary character death, major character death, just everything you see in the three movies and hurts you can expect to see here...  
> V’tosh ka’tur – faction of Vulcans who don’t adhere to logic, they allow their emotions to reign  
> Kolinahr – the ritual purging of all emotions  
> You can find me on tumblr @ kotekru


End file.
